Forever and Almost Always
by junebugjazzy
Summary: "Before you read the series of letters that I have written to supplement your mom's side of our story, I want you to know that you and I have just met, Carlie." (chapter 7 EPOV) Bella tells her daughter about how she met her father, the older, illustrious, and very married Edward Cullen through a series of conversations, memories and letters from Edward.
1. Prologue

**Hi Guys, Here's the prologue for the new story that I'm writing called Forever and Almost Always. This story is will not have a beta but I will do my best to take care of errors, let me know if you catch any. Please write me a review and let me know if you think I should continue. Thanks so much for reading! :)**

**Starting age for Bella: 18**

**Starting age for Ed: 25**

**Starting age for Carlie: 16**

**Bella was 21 when she had Carlie. Edward was 28. **

**Bella currently is 37. Edward is currently 44.**

**Italics is Bella talking to Carlie. **

**Story will not be chronological order. **

Prologue

_When you're a little kid Disney movies make love seem magical and easily attainable. Any pretty girl can find it, and once you do it's always yours. You naively think that your Prince Charming will be your forever, that nothing will ever tear you apart. _

_Disney will lie to you darling. And I should know. _

"Hey Bell," I stopped whatever it was that I was doing because it was him and I couldn't help but to give him my full attention. As horrible as that sounds, I knew that I wouldn't have him for long, so I had to soak up every moment I could. He jogged across the grass, swooped me up and spun me around until I was dizzy.

"Edward!" I laughed harder. "Put me down, now!" he did, but not before kissing me. It took me by surprise but after a moment of hesitation I kissed him back.

"I thought you were back with Tanya?" I asked when we broke a part; my voice was breathless with hope and desire.

"I am." He kissed me again and I didn't stop him even though the fissure in my heart got just a little bigger.

I knew it was coming but I still couldn't help the sharp pain that shot through my heart at his admission. I was nothing but a placeholder to him and at the time I wasn't okay with it but I had accepted it and secretly hoped for better. I hoped for more.

_Yes darling, I was one of _those_ girls. My only defense is that I was a naïve eighteen year old in love with a twenty-five year old man. Edward was, is, Aunt Alice's brother. That's right, Carlie. It means that he's your father. _

_I'm telling you this because he wants to meet you. He wants to be in your life but it's up to you. I'm telling you everything because I don't want you to blame him for not being in your life. _

_I know what you're thinking sweetie, and it's not his fault. Edward is not the bad guy. Nothing is ever that black and white. I knew exactly what I was getting into. He told me that he would never love me, could never love me. He was promised to Tanya, and there was no way his parents would let him settle for the lowly daughter of a police officer. The Cullen's were the headliners of the society page. They had money, power and the prestige to go along with it. _

_Edward wasn't a bad guy. He just had daddy issues. All Edward ever wanted was his father's love and acceptance and Tanya was his way to get it. It didn't matter that he didn't love her, or that she didn't love him, all that mattered was that Carlisle was proud of him. I think that in the beginning I was Edward's quiet rebellion. I allowed him to have me, all of me, without any expectations and he needed that. By the end, Edward loved me and hated himself for it because nothing could ever come of it. The day he told me that, I made him choose between Tanya and us. I knew that if he had chosen us that it would have meant the end of everything for him. His career, his family, he would have nothing, it was an impossible ultimatum. I knew that and so did he. I so desperately needed an out and I think on some level Edward knew that I wouldn't be able to take much more of it. As much as I loved him, being with him was killing me. Every time we kissed or touched the guilt ate away at me. I loathed the person that I became because Edward was married, not happily so, but married nonetheless, and I refused to stop seeing him. Something had to give; I couldn't be his secret anymore and he couldn't leave Tanya and face being disowned by his family._

_You see, Edward's father was the Mayor of Chicago and Edward was supposed to follow in his footsteps. I, we, didn't fit in with that standard, so he hid us from the world and when Carlisle found out, there was hell to pay. I'll tell you more about that later; for now let's get back to the story. This story-my story- won't be told in chronological order. It will start out that way but then it will go in and out between the more recent past and things that happened much earlier because you have to understand everything as I have. This means that I have to tell you all of my reflections in the order of which I came to them. _


	2. Chapter 1

I met Alice my senior year of high school. We had just moved to Illinois because of my father's transfer. From the moment I met her in AP Chemistry I knew we would be best friends. Her energy was contagious. She looked fierce. Her short black hair was styled in a pixie cut with striking dark blue high lights and her style can only be described as rocker/hippie chic. The day I met her she was wearing a pair of skintight black leather pants and a beaded white peasant top. I remember thinking that it was an odd combination but it worked with her lithe frame and personality.

_You would never have recognized your Aunt Alice; she was going through a rebellion too, albeit not as quietly as her brother. It was never purely about upsetting Carlisle though; Alice just wanted to be free to live her own life, the way she wanted to._

Anyway, Alice adopted me on sight. We became thick as thieves almost immediately. She would hang out at Morton's, the pretentious steakhouse that hired me as a waitress, and talk to me whenever there was a lull. She would come to my house practically every day after school. Nanny and Poppy loved her and had no problems with her spending as much time as possible in our house. I never noticed that Alice had never really mentioned her family to me until the night they all came into the restaurant and ended up in my section. I wasn't supposed to be there that night and yet there I was, no one was more surprised than Alice.

I walked over to my newly occupied table and without paying attention, started my spiel while I dug into my apron for my order pad. When I finally found it, I looked up and focused on Alice's unsmiling face.

"Hey Ally, What are you doing here?" I smiled completely forgetting that we weren't the only two people in the restaurant. Alice was about to respond when a cough from the gentleman to my right interrupted her and commanded the attention of everyone at the table.

"Mary Alice, please introduce us to your friend." Anyone listening to the conversation would have assumed that the request was innocuous and even well-meaning unless they picked up on the slight edge in the gentleman's voice when he said 'friend'.

"Bella," she said through gritted teeth as she started to introduce me. "This is my Dad, Carlisle Cullen, my mother Esme Cullen, and my older brother Edward. Guys, this is Isabella Swan."

Mr. Cullen was handsome but the smile on his face when he held out his hand for me to shake, while charming, was also glaringly fake. Mrs. Cullen on the other hand exuded warmth and grace. I didn't really get a chance to dwell on the differences between Mr. and Mrs. Cullen because Edward had fully captured my attention. His eyes were a startlingly bright shade of green and when he stood up and grasped my hand, I felt a tiny shock. God, he was so attractive.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Ms. Swan." His voice was low and smooth, without the harsh roughness that his father had.

"Bella." Alice hissed quietly enough for only me to hear. I was so lost in our interaction that I forgot he was still holding my hand. I quickly pulled out of his grasp and addressed the group as professionally as I could.

"May I take your drink order?" I asked flustered and without my usual finesse. I'm almost positive that I was the shade of a tomato from my head to my toes.

"My son and I will have a scotch on the rocks, my wife will have a glass of your finest red wine and Mary Alice will have a-"

"Alice will have a coke, Bella." Alice said to me while engaging in a stare down with her father.

"Yes, Ms. Swan, Mary Alice will have a _diet_ coke." He glares daring her to contradict him.

"Absolutely. I'll be right back with your order." My voice is falsely chipper to cover up my discomfort.

As I'm grabbing the drinks for the Cullen's, my manager, Mike, comes over and takes them from me.

"I think it would be best if I take care of the Cullen's tonight, Bella. Their patronage is _very _important to us."

"Fine. I'm going on a smoke break." I had no problem giving up that particular table, tips be damned.

I walked out the back door silently fuming and lit up my cigarette.

"I apologize for my father's behavior." I knew without looking that it was Edward.

"Why apologize for your father's actions? They aren't yours." I turn around to face him, taking a moment to study him. His hair is this wild reddish orange color that makes it seem like he has a case of bed head all the time and his suit looks like it was molded to his body. He's gorgeous.

His answering smirk tells me that he definitely saw me checking him out. "How do you know Alice?" he shrugs off my question and answers with his own.

"She's my AP chemistry partner." Disappointment flashes across his face. "I'm a senior." I quickly provide without really thinking about it. He's definitely older than Alice and I, but not that much older.

"Ahh." He smiles. "Any idea what you want to do?"

"I want to write children's books" I say with conviction.

"Whoa," He holds his hands up in surrender. "I wasn't going to argue with you about it."

"Sorry. My dad is very much against the idea of me becoming a writer. I'm so used to defending my career choice that it's made me a little defensive."

"It's fine. No apologies necessary. I completely understand."

"Really? Mr. Cullen doesn't appreciate whatever it is you do?" I throw out my cigarette and stomp it out.

"It's more like the things that I don't do. I'm a lawyer not a politician, and every single time I see my dad, he never lets me forget it." He stuffs his hands in his pocket and refuses to look me in the eye.

"I'm sure you're one of the best lawyers Chicago has ever seen." I don't know why I said that to him, I don't know him from Adam but it just felt like the right thing to say. The chill is starting to get to me and I wrap my arms around myself to gather warmth, I can't bring myself to go inside and leave our little bubble.

"Thanks for that Bella." The smile he gave me made me feel like I hung the moon. He notices that I'm shivering and like the gentleman he is, takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulder but he never moves away.

I think I may have forgotten how to breathe, he's so close and the air around us seems to be crackling with tension. His eyes darken and I know he's going to kiss me. His lips come within a hair of mine and I close my eyes waiting for his lips to touch mine but they never do. I open my eyes to find him looking at me but the emotion in his eyes is unreadable.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. More than you will ever know. I have to get back to my family." And before I could say another word he's back inside of the restaurant, and I'm left confused and wanting.

_That should have been the end of the story Carls, but I'm glad it's not, otherwise you wouldn't be here and no matter what happened between Edward and I, there's no way I could never ever regret you. _


	3. Chapter 2

**The general consensus seems to be that people hate Edward, but I urge you all to keep an open mind. Now as far as an HEA there will be one it just might not be with Edward (I'm still deciding). Remember love isn't always black and white, we can't always control who we fall for. Enjoy! Please review! **

_Edward and I would never have seen each other again had it not been for Alice. _

Nanny and Poppy left me alone in the house for a week to celebrate their anniversary in Hawaii, so Alice and I decided to raid the liqueur cabinet and by that I mean Alice decided and I went along with it. Let's just say it didn't go well. I had shot after shot after shot of vodka and I thought I was okay. The room was spinning and so was I.

_Carlie, if you ever feel the need to get drunk, don't. There is a reason the drinking age is 21. It's because you don't know how to control yourself, all you know is that the drunker you are the happier you feel, and so you keep on drinking and that's where the alcohol poisoning comes in. _

I woke up the next morning feeling like death warmed over. I had no memory of what happened the night before and the worst headache of my life.

"Alice?" I croaked out without opening my eyes.

"She's not here." I remember very clearly thinking that if there was a God, Edward Cullen would not be in my house. I think I may have even said a prayer or two. "I know you're up, Bella. I have Aleve and water, both of which will make that headache go away."

"Tease." I finally opened my eyes taking in the décor of my living room and Edward sitting in the chair directly in front of me. "Please stop laughing, it's loud and making the room move. Where's Alice?"

"You really don't remember anything from last night do you?" He holds out the pills and water for me. "Here, take this. It'll make you feel better."

"Not really." I swallowed the two pills with the water as I tried to think. "The last thing I remember is dancing with Alice to ABBA."

"Alice called me when your breathing became irregular and you passed out. By the time I got here you were awake and taking off your clothes, trying to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I called the family driver to take Alice to my apartment."

I groan in embarrassment and look down only to realize that I'm only wearing a t-shirt and underwear. "I'm really sorry you had to spend the night babysitting me."

"You were reckless! You could have died last night! You _and _Alice could have died from your recklessness! That's why I stayed, because I was worried you would asphyxiate in the middle of the night."

I cover my overly sensitive ears with my hands. "Why on earth are you still here, Edward?" I stood up incensed by his self-righteousness. "You made it quite clear that you wanted nothing to do with me."

"I-" Edward stood up, now standing toe to toe with me.

"Oh no you don't" I poked him hard in the chest. "You were going to kiss me. I was outside enjoying my cigarette _Mr. Big Shot_," Another poke. "When you come out of nowhere and start your flirting." Poke. "I can't believe I was attracted to such a pompous asshole." He grabbed my hand to prevent another stab to the chest and pulls me close. God, he smelled delicious.

"Bella, I can't give you what you want." His hand caressed my cheek and I couldn't help but to lean into his palm. The pull this man had over me was ridiculous. "As much as I want you, I can't do that to you. I can't be that selfish."

"What exactly do you think I want?" I was aiming for angry and insulted but instead I sounded whiny and needy.

"I can't love you, Bella. I can't even date you." His eyes pleaded for me to understand. "I'm engaged."

"Why the fuck would you try to kiss me if you're engaged? You asshole." I tried pulling out of his grip but he just held me tighter.

"I don't love her but I'm promised to her."

"You're an adult Edward, you aren't promised to anyone." I should have left the room. I should have put him out of my house and forgotten about the entire thing. He was no good for me, and I knew it from the very beginning. Something stopped me from doing all of the things that I knew I should. Instead of kicking him out, I let him into my heart.

"I don't want you to love me, or even date me. I'll take whatever you can give me, Edward." I kissed him, hoping that my meaning was clear. I didn't have to wait long, we soon became a tangled mess of limbs.

_It takes two to tango and I definitely took the lead for that dance. I didn't even think about it. I freely gave everything that I had to offer to a man that had nothing to give back to me. There was some kind of pull, like I was just a magnate being pulled toward him. I couldn't say no, I didn't want to say no. If you ask Nanny and Poppy they'll tell you that Edward was just an infatuation but that's not true. I loved him, not a puppy dog kind of love but an all-consuming-I'd-do-anything-for-you kind of love. It wasn't the healthiest relationship in the world but it wasn't exactly toxic either. It felt great at the time but in the end we lost ourselves in each other. It became harder and harder to function because Edward couldn't be by my side and vice versa. Being in love with Edward was everything I ever thought I wanted but it was too much. I would never have survived such an incredible kind of love. Even now, almost twenty years later I can still feel the gaping hole in my heart, with all of its frayed edges, from when he left. Love is wicked like that. Despite it all, I wouldn't change a thing. Even though loving Edward could be painful; it was also the best feeling in the world. _


	4. Chapter 3

**Review and I'll send you a teaser!**_  
_

_When I agreed to be Edward's mistress, I wasn't thinking about the consequences. All I wanted was the chance to explore whatever that chemistry was between the two of us. I never thought that our relationship would explode the way it did. I never took into consideration Carlisle's ruthlessness and determination to keep Edward away from me or you, Carlie. I never thought that you would be a possibility. Birth control pills were supposed to be infallible so we weren't careful. _

"No. you're lying. This can't be happening to me. Please, tell me you're lying Alice. Please." I crumple on the hard tile of the bathroom, unable to face the fact that I am pregnant with Edward's child. His whore is having his child while his wife struggles with infertility. How fucking ironic.

"What am I supposed to do now, Ally?" Alice kneels down on the floor with me and takes my hand into hers. "He doesn't love me, at least not enough to leave his wife."

"Oh, Bella." Alice gathers me into her arms because what can she really say? He's her brother and I knew the score when I started this stupid affair. God, what am I going to do with a baby? Nothing, there is nothing I can do with a child. I can't support it and myself. Hell, I'm barely able to put myself through school.

I knew what I was going to do. What I would have to do. "Alice," I take a deep breath and wipe away the last of my tears. "Please call your brother and have him come over. I need to prepare myself to tell him." Everything will be fine. I just need to take a shower and get myself together. One step at a time.

Edward came over later that night, long after Alice has gone back to her room to sleep. He looked haggard, but my traitorous heart still started beating fast when I opened the door to let him in.

"I'm sorry Isabella." He leans in to kiss my lips and is surprised when he meets my cheek instead. "What's wrong?"

"Come in." I let him into the apartment that Alice and I share. "What took you so long?"

"Please, don't." He holds up his hands in surrender. "I can't take two knock-down-drag-out-fights today." I feel my anger ebb away and hopelessness takes its place. This situation isn't ideal for anyone; I can't pick a fight with him. We're both tired. I'm so damn tired of fighting for a fairytale that will never be mine.

"Can you just hold me for a minute…?" my voice cracks as tears start to fall down my face. "Please."

Edward does me one better, he picks me up bridal style and carries me over to the living room couch where cradles me against his chest while I cry my heart out.

He gently strokes my hair whispering "Mi Amore." over and over again until my tears dry up and the front of his shirt is soaked with my tears and stained with mascara.

"I'm pregnant." I look up into his eyes and say without any preamble.

"You're pregnant." He parrots back to me robotically.

I nod my head. "I found out this morning. I took the test with Alice." My head hangs low and my hair forms a curtain between us. I don't want to see the incredulity, or disgust or even happiness on his face. All of them, any of them, will make me sick to my stomach.

"I can make an appointment to take care of it tomorrow. You don't have to do anything." I say when Edward still hasn't spoken. **You're a whore, not a mother. **The niggling voice of my subconscious points out.

That brought Edward out of his trance. "No. that's my baby in there, you are not getting an abortion." He puts one hand on my stomach and uses the other hand to lift my head. "Our baby.

And for a moment, a brief fleeting moment, I see it. I see us raising our baby together and I want it. I want it so badly that I can taste it. We would get married on the beach and buy a house painted blue in a small town near the sea somewhere. We would raise our children, a boy and a girl, together along with a dog that was cleverly named Spot. We'd fight over money and things he'll forget to do, but never for long and the make-up sex would be out of this world. We'd grow old together, my brown hair turned silver and twisted into a bun and his copper hair long gone but we're happy. We're in rocking chairs outside watching our grandchildren play in our yard.

But the future I see isn't mine. It belongs to Tanya.

The thought jars me into action; I push his hands away from me and get up off his lap. "No, Edward. You're married to Tanya. Nothing is ours." **I can't keep doing this. The push and pull of this relationship is killing me. He belongs with Tanya. **

"Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had never met you. Not because I hate our relationship but because every day I get a taste of my fairy tale ending, a little teaser of my Prince Charming and then it ends." I snap my fingers for emphasis. "Just like that, and all I want is more. More of you- all of you- but then I realize that what we have, as wonderful as it is, kills me. Every time you leave me to go back to Tanya, or I see you in the paper holding her hand, a little piece of me dies. Every. Single. Time."

"Do you think that I want this?" He starts yelling and wildly gesticulating. "Do you think that I want to go home to Tanya when I would rather be here with you? No! I hate it and I hate myself for loving you!" His voice lowers to an almost imperceptible whisper. "I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you happy."

"Yes, there is—"

"Bella, don't do this." He tugs at his hair and pleads with me not to say what he knows is coming next. "I love-"

I shake my head and the tears start falling again. "Choose, Edward." My voice breaks on his name. "Us or her."

He looks at me, long and hard, and it seems like he's looking through to my soul. He takes a step toward me and for a moment, I think he's chosen me, but then he stops moving forward and turns around. I hear the sound of the front door being opened and then the soft click of the door shutting into place. For the second time that day I crumple to the floor and cry tears of relief and sadness.

_Carlie, please don't be like that. Try to understand my point of view. Yes. I entertained the idea of an abortion but can you imagine how I felt? I had no idea what I was doing, I thought I did, but when I realized that I was pregnant with you, I knew I was out of my depth. I was grasping at straws, trying to get my life back on track. You weren't _my _child yet. You weren't this precious piece of me and Edward. You were an abstract idea. You were something that consciously I knew was real but not quite. You weren't real to me until the first time I saw you on the ultrasound screen and heard your little heartbeat. I didn't decide to keep you until that day. _

_I'm not trying to be harsh, even though it sounds that way. I guess I'm just not doing a very good job of explaining myself. If I could go back to that moment where I even thought about getting an abortion, I would tell myself that it isn't an option and that seventeen years later, my daughter was the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you and… so does Edward. _

_A day later, I came home from school to a letter from Edward that was pushed under the door. _

_Dear Bella, _

_Forgive me. I have been so selfish. I kept taking and taking from you hoping that what I had to give you would have been enough. I'm sorry that it wasn't enough. I am so deeply sorry for the hurt that I have caused you. _

_Believe me when I say that I do love you. I love you so much more than I ever thought possible and that's why I left you. You deserve so much better. As much as it will kill me not to have you or our baby in my life, I promise to leave you alone. I only ask that you do two things for me: Please send me pictures of our baby. Throughout the course of their life I just want to be able to know what they look like, or what they've been up to. Please don't completely shut me out of their life. Lastly, please accept the money that I have placed into an account for you to take care of him or her. I can't just do nothing._

_With all my love and not a single regret,_

_Edward _

_I know this is a lot to take in but Edward has always been there. I've sent Edward thousands of pictures and he's been to just about all of your dancing competitions. I write to him whenever you have one and then I look for him in the crowd. Our eyes will meet for a second or two longer than they're supposed to and then he looks away. He's always in the very back, taking in your talent and smiling broadly at your achievements, and then when the show is over, he'll send a nod my way and walk out quickly and quietly. _


	5. Chapter 4

**To everyone that I sent a teaser to for this chapter, I'm sorry! I decided to move some chapters around to better the flow of the story. I bet this isn't the confrontation you were looking for but tell me what you think about it anyway LOL. REVIEW! **

_Tanya knew who I was, not just in the abstract but by name and face. She knew that Edward was sleeping with me and she wanted to "put a face to the name of the woman who had been fucking her husband" as she so delicately put it when she showed up at my door. I decided as soon as I saw her that I wouldn't defend myself when she called me a home wrecker and a slut. She would only be repeating things that I had already thought about myself. Defending myself would have implied innocence and that, by any stretch of the word, just wasn't the truth. I was fully prepared to sit in my home and listen to Tanya berate me because it was no more than I deserved but that's not what happened. _

I answered the incessant ringing of the doorbell ready to kill whoever dared wake me up at nine o'clock on a Saturday morning. Edward came over last night and basically kept me up all night long, I'm not complaining, but it's safe to say I was beyond exhausted when I opened the door.

"Look-" I trail off in surprise. "This is unexpected."

"Well," She looks me up and down. "You must be Isabella Swan. May I come in?"

_Shit. _I moved aside to let her in, suddenly very conscious of the fact that I was wearing a pink tank top with a pair of sleep shorts and my hair was piled on top of my head while she wore a very expensive looking blue pantsuit and a gorgeous pair of red bottoms with her hair perfectly coiffed in an up-do. I'm sure the difference between the two of us was staggering and not in a good way. "Ummm. Yeah, sure. Come in."

I led her into the living room and listened to the clickety clack of her heels on the wood floors that sounded like a funeral march- my funeral march.

"My husband isn't still here, is he?" She asks politely and with no trace of malice.

"Umm…uh…no. I finally stammer out, dumfounded.

Tanya sits down on the couch with the grace of a ballerina while I stand across from her biting my nails. I mentally prepare myself for a barrage of insults but nothing came, instead she just looks at me inquisitively.

"How old are you?" She breaks the silence softly like a ripple in the water, nothing like the tsunami I envisioned.

"I'll be twenty-one next weekend" I cough out to cover my shock.

"Ah, that makes sense." She smirks knowingly. "You're the business trip he scheduled for next Wednesday." I glance up at her in shock because that's news to me.

"I didn't know that." I say calmly hiding my inner panic.

"It doesn't matter." She shakes her head but never takes her eyes off of mine. "I came here to put a face to the name of the woman that has been fucking my husband and to make sure it stops, but you; you are just a lost little girl meddling in the business of adults. Instead of threatening you and berating you, I'm going to do you a favor and warn you."

I am not-" I start to speak but she cuts me off with a wave of her hand.

"I say this not to belittle you or to be cruel but because you need to hear it. Edward has coddled you and you are too naïve to know better. You know nothing of our world. In the world Edward and I live in Carlisle Cullen is king and a very dangerous one at that. All of Chicago views him as a hero, a god who can do no wrong but he is Satan's reincarnate."

I look at her in disbelief. "Carlisle can't possibly have that much power."

"He is evil Isabella." She reiterates with a frown. "You have to believe me. He threatens and bullies anyone in his way and if that doesn't work then they may find themselves six feet underground. He is not to be toyed with and you," She points a finger at me. "Are toying with the devil."

I muse over her words unable to accept the fact that Carlisle would kill me for loving Edward.

"Edward would never let Carlisle hurt me." I say confidently.

"Of course not." She replies tiredly. "He loves you and if he knew Carlisle was trying to hurt you he would never let it happen but Edward won't know and Carlisle won't be controlled. Right now Carlisle doesn't know that you and Edward are involved but if you allow this to continue Carlisle will intervene. Carlisle has a plan for Edward and he will not hesitate to take you down if it means Edward will stay under his thumb."

Tanya reaches into her purse, pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to me. I take it hesitantly. "What is this?"

"Read it." Is all she says.

It's a newspaper clipping covering the death of someone named Demetri Romanov.

"Demetri Romanov was the man that made me defy Carlisle. I refused him when he first approached me about marrying Edward, telling him that I was in love with Demetri and wouldn't be with anyone who wasn't him. Carlisle told me exactly what would happen to Demetri if I didn't do what he wanted but I thought he was full of shit and didn't pay him any mind. A week later Demetri was dead from a drug overdose." Tanya's eyes filled with tears but she never let them fall. "Carlisle had him killed. Demetri wouldn't even take legal drugs for a headache; there is no way he would ever do drugs."

"Why are you telling me this?" My heart aches for her but this doesn't make any sense. I start to pace because this situation is absurd. "Why are you doing any of this?

"Why not?" Tanya stands up and shrugs her shoulders. "Edward is my friend. I don't love him like a wife should but I do care about him." She walks to the mantle and looks at the picture of Edward and I in a frame. "You make him happy and losing you will devastate him but if you turn up dead… I'm afraid he won't live for very long after."

"No." I shake my head wildly because the thought of a world without Edward makes me feel ill.

"It's up to you to decide because Edward will never willingly leave you." She grasps my hand. "You have to make him, for both of your sakes."

Tanya turns to leave but pauses just before she walks out of the living room. "Edward will never leave me for you, Carlisle won't allow it and Edward won't defy him. Don't ever forget that fact." She speaks but never turns around to face me. "If you don't break it off, not only will you always come second to me and Carlisle's whims but you are also endangering your own life. Good bye, Isabella. I won't ever contact you again. Please think about what I've told you."

_I never told Edward about Tanya's visit but her words replayed themselves over and over again in my head. No, I didn't ignore her advice, I just postponed the inevitable. It was stupid but every moment that I spent with Edward was worth the risk of incurring Carlisle's wrath, until you came along and I started to love you. You were the reason I hesitated every time I picked up the phone to call him and beg him to come back to me. You were the reason why I deleted his number from my phone and changed my number. You are the reason why even now, with the threat of Carlisle removed from our lives why I still haven't contacted him, you are the most important person in my life and I will not jeopardize my relationship with you-not even for Edward._


	6. Chapter 5

**This chapter is for AnaRod. Thank you so much for recommending this story to your page and for working on a banner for this story. Review!**

**I had some questions about a timeline for the last three chapters, here it is: **

**Timeline= E&amp;T Wedding-Tanya's visit- E&amp;B Break up scene- Next Up: Carlisle kidnaps B **

**Yes, Carlisle really is a bad guy. **

**Let me know if y'all have anymore questions **

_I can't tell you why I went to Tanya and Edward's wedding. He told me not to come, begged me actually, but I went anyway. Yes, it hurt like a bitch to watch the man I love get married to someone who wasn't me, but it was a necessary pain- or so I thought. I needed to _try_ to remind myself that Edward wasn't mine to love. It was the worst moment of my life and ultimately a pointless endeavor because even though I watched him get married, I still wasn't able to let him go._

The church looked exactly like I thought it would, huge with a clear gothic influence. The sanctuary was decorated opulently; There were bunches of red roses with what looked like, pearls and diamonds sprinkled throughout the bouquet, attached to all of the benches with white ribbons. The décor was gorgeous but it wasn't Edward. This lavish wedding was nothing like the intimate outdoor affair that I knew Edward wanted and I took a strange comfort from knowing that.

I chose a seat in the very last pew, knowing that with a guest list of three hundred I wouldn't be noticed. I felt so horribly out of place but I couldn't seem to make myself leave. I was obviously a masochist without the ability to spare myself the clearly avoidable pain.

"Bella, what the fuck are you doing here? Oh God," I'm brought out of my musings by the sound of Alice's harsh whisper as she looks around the huge sanctuary. "My father is here. We need to get you out of here before he sees you. In his eyes you have no reason to be here, the last thing you need is to raise Carlisle's suspicions." She pulls me up and out of my seat but before she can drag me to the nearest exit, Edward enters from a door at the front of the alter and I can't even think of leaving. I yank my hand out of Alice's and sit back down.

He looks miserable, his hair is a tangled mess from his fingers being dragged through it and the bags under his eyes tells me that he's gotten about as much sleep as I have.

"You stubborn asshole. You do realize that staying is only going to break your heart, right?" Alice sighs and takes a seat next to me when I nod my head confirming, that I do indeed know that watching the man I love get married just might kill me. "You cannot interrupt this wedding, Bella. Carlisle will destroy you… and Edward. It would be a bloodbath."

"I know Alice. I've thought about it, damn it! I have come up with a million different possibilities and none of them involve a happy ending" I hiss back to her, "I just… I have to see it happen. I have to see Edward marry Tanya because then, maybe," I wave my hand. "All of this will be real and I can accept the fact that Edward broke up with me for _her_," I can't keep the disgust out of my voice even though I don't know this woman from Eve. "And I can move on. Do you think I want to be seen as the clingy psycho-ex? I still love him and while I understand why he broke up with me, I love him and this is killing me."

Her face scrunches in pity and she hugs me. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I… I forgot how hard this would be for you. I wish that I could tell you that everything will be okay but the truth is that I have no idea what's going to happen between you and my brother, all I can tell you is that no matter what happens I will always be here for you."

I simply nod because if I try to speak I may end up flooding the church with my tears.

The pianist starts to play softly, a signal that the wedding is about to start; the officiate takes his spot behind Edward and Edward faces forward, catching my eye in the process. Pain, longing and regret flashes across his face as we continue to stare into each other's eyes. "I love you." I mouth the words to him without even really thinking about it, I just couldn't help myself. Edward hunches over as if in pain and just when I'm about to run to him, he stands up straighter than before and with a blank look of determination. He waves off the concerns of the officiate and It's in that moment that I realize that I have truly lost him; he's really going to go through with this sham of a wedding.

The wedding march begins and I sit quietly in my seat and watch as half of my heart is taken away from me. **Damn you, Edward. Damn you, for making me love you. And a great big fuck you to my heart for loving what never belonged to me. **

It was silly coming to his wedding; I knew that my presence wouldn't make one damned difference. I spent almost three years trying to convince him not to marry Tanya and look at where it got me, a broken heart and the knowledge that this wedding wasn't the end of Edward and I, it was just the middle of the goddamn book.

_I can't tell you very much about the details of the actual wedding because I was only focused on Edward. I can't tell you what color or style of dress Tanya was wearing when she walked down the aisle or even how I got home after the wedding was over but I'm pretty sure Alice had something to do with it. _

_Carlie, I knew as soon as Edward and I met each other's eyes in that church that we weren't over. It didn't matter that I just watched him get married or that we were completely wrong for each other, all that mattered at the time was that we loved each other. _

_The moment I realized that love wasn't nearly enough was the moment that I grew up. That night when I made Edward choose and I finally matured into a woman, I was fucking terrified because I knew— I fucking knew, even as I spoke the words— that I would never love another man like I had loved Edward and I wasn't sure whether or not it was a good or a bad thing. Even now I still can't tell you. _

_Carlie please try to understand, I know Emmett loves me but I can't go there. Damn it, listen to me! I love Emmett, I do. But not in the way he deserves to be loved. _

_Edward set my soul on fire in a way that whenever I was with him I was consumed by a tantalizing and delicious heat. I'm not talking about just lust because it was more than that, so much more than that. I know that I sound like a walking talking cliché but I know that had Edward and I met under different circumstances nothing could have ever broken us up. _

_Emmett numbs the burns left from losing Edward, he soothes the pain. He makes me laugh and for however long I'm with him I can forget about the gaping hole in my chest. _

_I know it's not fair to Emmett, Carlie. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat this for you, I don't have anything else to offer Emmett besides a purely sexual relationship, that's why we have never crossed that line. I won't use him that way. I won't use anyone that way. _

_I hope to God, that you never have to choose between good and good enough. I hope that your good is uncomplicated and everything you ever dreamt of, because love should never be compromised. _


	7. Chapter 6

**Questions: **

**Bella is talking to Carlie, some parts do involve letters though. ( I missed answering this one last chapter)**

**Emmett is basically a Jacob for this story. He'll pop up more later.**

**Let me know what you think by sending me reviews. Also check out this lovely banner made by Anarodfranco on her blog link can be found on my profile because fanfiction sucks ass with links. **

_It would be easy for you to decide, with the information that I have given you, that Edward was a coward and unworthy of your love and mine, but you'd be making a decision far too quickly because it wouldn't be true. Edward had no choice in the matter and quite frankly neither did I. _

_Edward left Tanya when I was 3 months pregnant with you; he quit his job and filed for divorce. He came back for us, but Carlisle got to me first._

I was running late for an OB-GYN appointment and when the doorbell rang I grabbed my purse and opened the door, intending to talk to whoever was there on my way out the door. I was pushed back into the house by what feels like a brick wall but is actually a scary looking guy who enters my home and slams the door shut.

I look at the man in surprise as he speaks "Ms. Swan, you can either come with me willingly or I will carry you out to the car. My orders are clear."

"Orders?" I question him furiously. "From whom? You can't just kidnap me from my home! Get the fuck out of here!"

"My orders come straight from Mr. Carlisle Cullen. I would appreciate your cooperation given your delicate state." He says icily and with a pointed stare to my baby bump.

"Are you threatening me, you son of a bitch? I'm not going anywhere."

Carlisle's henchmen doesn't flinch at my name calling or harsh tone, instead he pulls a syringe out of his pocket and shrugs his shoulder. "Just pointing out that if I have to drug you, it may adversely affect your unborn child."

"You're not reading a fucking grocery list! You are talking about kidnapping and drugging me. What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yell.

"Look, I don't have time for this. Are you coming willingly or are you going to make me use this?" He gestures to the syringe.

My options were limited but there's no way in hell I'm letting him inject me with whatever is in that needle. "I'll come with you but put that fucking thing away first." I snatch my coat of the rack by the door.

"Put this on." Tall, dark, and scary, hands me a blindfold. "Put this on or I stick this needle in your fucking arm." He says threateningly and without patience.

I tie the blindfold tightly around my eyes as fear starts to unfurl in my belly. I was finally realizing the amount of danger I was in. No one would realize I was missing until later tonight, and that's only if Alice came home. She was spending a lot of time with her current boyfriend and could decide to stay at his house tonight. Theoretically speaking, Carlisle could have me killed and no one would suspect a thing, I was fucked.

The strong grip on my shoulder prevented me from trying to run away as the man pushes me out of the house and guides me into some kind of car.

The ride is silent but quick, I don't have too much time to freak out before the car comes to a stop and I'm guided out of the car.

"Wait." I stop walking and face in the direction that I assume the guy that kidnapped me was standing. "I need to know something. Am I going to die today?" I place my hand on my stomach because if I die, so does my baby and I can't let that happen. I don't care if I have to get on my knees and beg Carlisle Cullen for the life of my child., if it will save him or her, I'll do it.

The goon is silent for a beat, perhaps unsure of how to answer my question. "I don't know, Ms. Swan."

I nod and feel the lump in my throat get bigger. "Okay."

He takes the blindfold off of me and I know that I am going to die today. The building we're in is a dilapidated warehouse; the kind of place where the mob takes their victims right before they make them kneel on the floor and shoot them in the back of the head.

"Sit."There is a single wooden chair in the middle of the floor that Carlisle's man points to.

I walk slowly to the chair and attempt to school my face when he ties my legs and hands together and then leaves the room.

I am only in the room alone for a moment before the devil himself, Carlisle Cullen, walks into the room like he doesn't have a care in the world.

"Hello, Isabella. I trust you know why you're here." He crouches down until he is eye level with my face.

I shake my head in the negative deciding to deny everything until Carlisle shows his hand.

"Come now, don't play stupid." He walks behind me and grips my hair hard, yanking my head backwards. "It's unbecoming of you, Isabella."

"It's about Edward." I gasp out in pain.

"Good girl." He coos and pats my head like a dog.

"I've known about you and Edward from the very beginning, my dear. I will admit that I had no idea about the bastard you're carrying. I'm assuming that the child is Edward's?"

"Yes," Is all I can get out through the tears flowing down my face.

He nods his head and walks over to an intercom on the other side of the room. "Felix, bring Edward in, make sure his hands are cuffed.

"No! Please, Carlisle! Don't do this! I don't want him here!"

Carlisle stands beside my chair without answering my pleas and holds out a strip of cloth. "Open your mouth, girl."

When I don't do what he says, he grabs my jaw roughly and forces it into my mouth just as Edward is pushed to the floor of the room with the same guy that brought me in.

"Bella!" He calls out and tries to get up but Felix forces him to stay on his knees with a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"Now, now, son." Carlisle presses a gun to my temple. "Since it's seems like you're not capable of handling your own affairs, I'm in charge now."

"Dad, please, I'm begging you, not to do this. I've never asked you for anything but I am asking you for the life of the woman I love and your grandchild." Edward pleads with Carlisle but the gun pressed to my head never falters.

I shake my head at Edward trying to convey with my eyes how much I love him because begging Carlisle for my life is a lost cause.

"Please dad! Please, I'll do whatever you want." Edward is frantic but Carlisle has made up his mind.

"Say your goodbyes, Edward." Carlisle says flatly and my body shakes and I start to sob. I'm about to die and so is my child. _ I love you _I think both to our baby and Edward.

"Bella," Edward's voice is low and tortured with tears pouring down his face. "I left Tanya. I filed divorce papers and put in an offer for a house for us to raise our daughter in, at least, I had hoped it was a girl. Close your eyes, my love." His voice breaks and he takes a deep breath. Carlisle cocks the gun. "I am so… so…sorry Bella. I love you so much and I promise you that I will kill him for this." He looks at Carlisle his eyes steeled with determination and pain. "I mean it. If you kill her, I will kill you," I close my eyes.

"NO!" Carlisle must have squeezed the trigger but all I hear is a click. I open my eyes and Carlisle throws the unloaded gun to the floor and brings out another gun.

"Rest assured this gun is loaded. The next time I press the trigger she will die."

"What do you want?" Edward whispers. "I'll do anything, just let her live."

Carlisle broke Edward that day. His eyes were devoid of any emotion when he conceded to Carlisle's demands. Edward would remain married to Tanya, he could never see me again, he would have to terminate his parental rights to our child, and he had to come work for Carlisle.

After Carlisle dismissed Edward he turned to me and pulled the gag out of my mouth.

"I didn't spare you because of my son and I didn't spare you because of your pregnancy. I decided not to kill you because my wife asked me not to. Don't mistake the fact that you are still alive as a weakness because if I ever see you again, I will not hesitate to kill you where you stand."

_When I left Chicago for the sleepy little town of Adair Iowa, population 758, the hole in my chest hurt a little less. It was still there, but knowing that Edward tried to fight for us lessened the pain and gave me a sliver of hope that one day Edward would find his way back to us. _


	8. Chapter 7

**Before you read the chapter, I owe everyone an apology because this chapter is really late and it's a little shorter than usual (it's a transitional chapter), and I'm about to rant for a couple of sentences.**

**I would like to point out to those flamers who said that my story was unrealistic that they're reading fanfiction that came out of a story about sparkly vampires and Native American werewolves, get the fuck over it. If you don't like it don't read it. If you would like to give some constructive criticism than I welcome your review. (By the way supposed officer of the law, how many criminals have the police not caught? I'm sure it's not a small number, so fuck off.) **

*End of rant*

June 20, 2008

Dear Carlie,

If you're reading this than two things have happened:

Carlisle is dead

And

Your Mom has told you all about me, and the kind of relationship we had.

Before you read the series of letters that I have written to supplement your mom's side of our story, I want you to know that you and I have just met.

Today is my birthday and your ballet recital. You were so confident and happy as you danced across the stage in the green gauzy tutu as a wood nymph. I have no words for how in awe of your talent I was tonight. I was just about to leave out of the auditorium when you literally ran into me. I grabbed your shoulders to steady you and you looked up at me and smiled, all straight white teeth and dimples. It was the greatest moment of my life and the best birthday present I could have ever received.

It wasn't a particularly long or memorable conversation, probably just 30 seconds where I shook your hand and said:

"Congratulations on such an amazing performance."

You looked at me for a few seconds and I started to worry that you somehow had recognized me but then you took your hand back, said "Thank you for coming. I'm glad you liked the show" and curtsied. You were the politest 10 year old that I'd ever met.

I wanted so badly to hug you and tell you how proud of you I was. I almost did but then I caught your mother's eyes a few feet behind you, she gave me a sad smile and shook her head, Bella always did know exactly what I was thinking. I nodded and told you that I had a plane to catch but that I knew your parents were very very proud of you and you just opened your arms and hugged me. I don't know if you felt the few tears fall from my eyes and land in your hair but I quickly wiped them away and without a backward glance rushed out of the building before I could forsake everything your mother and I had suffered to save.

Do you remember?

I hope you do because I can never forget, I don't want to forget. No matter how much I hate the circumstances that make our separation necessary I know that the snippets I do have of you, memories of seeing you dance and grow up right before my very eyes on a stage and seeing the small smiles your mom sends my way whenever she notices me at one of your recitals, makes it all worth it. It makes the heartache worth it because I get to know with absolute certainty that you're both still alive and out of harm's way.

I just wanted you to know that even though all I have from you right now is one conversation, a bunch of videos of your performances and 10 pictures of you, I love you so much, Carlie. I've loved you since the moment Bella told me that she was pregnant with you.

Anyway, I never intended to get involved with your mom, or anyone else for that matter. I resigned myself to the reality of a loveless marriage and the knowledge that my life would never be my own. Then I met Bella and she lit up my world, suddenly I wasn't satisfied with the life my father laid out for me. I wanted more, I wanted a life with Bella and everything that it came with. I know that I must seem like a coward for not fighting harder to be with you and Bella but I knew what my father was capable of, I just never fully believed that he was capable of treating me like he did his enemies or those he wanted to bend to his will. Seeing my father hold a gun to Bella's head and knowing that if he pulled the trigger it would be my fault. The blood of my daughter and of my soul mate would be on my hands so I caved into Carlisle's demands because it was the only way for the both of you to live, if that makes me a coward then so be it. I'll be a coward.

Your mother was an amazing woman with such fire, I don't think she could have made it a single day without cursing at something, be it her car, the remote or if she were especially angry, her phone was a frequent victim. Her temper was legendary but her heart and easy going smile is what really drew me to her.

The conversation that I had with your mom outside of Morton's is easily one of my (many) favorite moments with her. I didn't really go outside to apologize for Carlisle's behavior-though an apology was in order. I just felt so drawn to her energy that I had to talk to her. I couldn't help myself, really. I honestly never expected anything to come out of the conversation; I was just so curious, about what, I can't even really tell you because even I don't understand what happened.

After having that one conversation I was captivated by Bella. I fantasied over and over again about the feel of her lips and the taste of her tongue because I knew that I could never know the real thing but it seemed that life and Alice had other plans.

I'd be remiss to point out that Alice, puppeteered my second meeting with your mom. I didn't know it at the time but my sister was very perceptive; when I subtly asked her about Bella she saw straight through me and decided to play cupid.

Alice called me sounding drunker than she actually was and rattled of a random address to come pick her up. Of course I got in my car to go get her because the last thing either one of us needed was for her to do something crazy and have our dad find out and freak out on us both.

When I finally got to the house I didn't know whether to hug Alice or kill her where she stood when I saw Bella dancing around in her Tinkerbell underwear and a ridiculously tight t-shirt. Alice made the decision for me when she started to walk out of the door to leave me alone in the house of Bella Swan.

"Don't worry, Alex is going to drive me back to your apartment." She spoke over her shoulder as I stood there stunned trying to figure out what exactly was going on.

I'd decided to kill her as I watched over Bella for those few hours. I literally plotted a million ways to kill Alice in the time between helping Bella onto the couch to sleep of the alcohol and the actual moment Bella woke up, because my sister knew the score but she also knew that I wouldn't leave Bella alone in her clearly inebriated state. Alice had played the both of us.

I tried to be an asshole when Bella woke up because I knew that I shouldn't want to kiss her or hold her, and I definitely shouldn't want to imagine what was underneath that t-shirt and her underwear.

But your mother was not one to be played with, she called me out on my behavior and kept poking me in the chest until any pretense or wall of defense had crumbled away.

I hated the look she gave me when I told her I was engaged, it was something akin to both anger and disappointment, so I tried to explain my situation to her.

Alice could pretty much do whatever she wanted. She had the great fortune of being both female and the second child, to my father her existence was basically useless. Sure, he railed at her but only because Alice never let him get to her and still found a way to create her own beat despite how he tried to subdue her. I, on the other hand, had the privilege of having my life plotted out for me as soon as my father found out that I was a boy in my mother's womb.

It was easier to just do what my father wanted rather than to face his belt when I was younger and his fist (or boot) when I was older. I had never found any matter worth incurring my father's wrath until I met your mother and fell head over heels in love with her. I knew as soon as she kissed me that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from giving her every piece of myself that I could and accepting the ones that she offered back to me in return.

I dragged Bella down to my hell and I will forever be sorry for it and even though she holds no regret or ill will toward me, I can't help but to regret the pain that I have caused her.


End file.
